I think if one were to step into my
brain right now they would be violently ripped away into a swirling vortex of
gale-force thoughts. Tomorrow is my anniversary, my first anniversary. It will
have been one year to the day since I married the most wonderful woman that I
know. It has been a doozy of a year.
Would it do to list the things that
made it so? To name a few: miscarriages, the cruel loss of a job, the deaths of
friends and several acquaintances… Putting them on paper somehow sterilizes
them. It gives them a cold, distant quality.
There is nothing I regret. But if
any one of the terrible things that have happened could have been averted I
would have leapt at the chance. Sadly, I was not afforded those opportunities.
So, it is a time of reminiscence.
I keep having this aching feeling
that I should be learning something but for the first time in my life nothing
comes to mind. No snappy Sunday-School lesson is fitting. No five minute sermon
to put all the pieces together and soothe my soul.
Is it possible to paint a picture
of how I feel? Like I’ve been stretched beyond bearing and beaten down to the
dust. Like someone has placed a searing hot coal inside my chest and rubbed it
up against my heart.
On this eve of my anniversary,
though, I was finally given time to sit down, to be alone with God and think.
Most importantly, to listen. As ice and snow accumulated outside He gave me a
reminder. It was as if He was putting the pieces together Himself. He
reawakened a spark of my joy and let me smile again.
I don’t know how to say it, other
than the way it was given to me. First, then, this poem that God shared with
me.
It reminded me of life and why I’m
living it. That God and I made a deal, that I would give Him my life if He would
take it from me and use it; that the only thing worth living for is God my
Savior, living worship for Him.
“For the love of Christ controls us,
because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have
died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for
themselves, but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.” – 2
Corinthians 5:14-15
Something else that He brought to
mind was a passage my brother shared at Thanksgiving dinner. “But this I call
to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never
ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is
your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will
hope in Him.’
“The Lord is good to those who wait
for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for
the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his
youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid upon him; let him put his
mouth in the dust – there may yet be hope; let him give his cheek to the one
who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
“For the Lord will not cast off
forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the
abundance of His steadfast love; for He does not willingly afflict or grieve
the children of man.” – Lamantations 3: 21-33
Finally, a verse He has brought to
mind time and again, which never ceases to restore my hope. “Little children,
you are from God and have overcome them, for He who is in you is greater than
he who is in the world.” – 1 John 4:4
Those are my thoughts this
anniversary eve. That is my mind as it comes to rest. Life was never promised
to be easy. But grounded on the foundation of Jesus, my hope will never die.
Like Job, you are beaten and bewildered but will not let go of your righteousness. It's been an exhausting year. I'm so grateful that God allowed you to marry that wonderful woman first, so you would have a companion through these hard times.
ReplyDeleteI've recently arrived at the same conclusion. I used to look for an end to the trials so my real, peaceful happy life could resume. Now I recall that a peaceful, happy life was never promised to me. I now try to find ways to serve God with whatever my life becomes.